You have my condolences Mr Death
by karrot bear
Summary: Death happens to everyone unless, of course, you cheat. But cheaters never prosper and Hibari is learning that the hard way as the whole spirit world becomes intent on making his life a living hell. AU


Thought you should know-

Minor swearing, nothing that bad. Have fun.

* * *

Hibari Kyoya can not die.

It doesn't matter if his heart stops beating or if his brain is splattered across the room, Hibari Kyoya won't stop living.

Those that know him personally can tell that simple fact about him just from a glance, those that don't soon find out.

His landlord figured it out after observing him for two months. His roommate, or what was his roommate, figured it out in twenty secounds.

Death though, was a frickin' idiot.

* * *

Hibari scanned the room in a slightly impatient way. Now Hibari always seemed impatient so it wouldn't seem any different to act this way in the afterlife. The afterlife, he noted, was apparently a large office building. This was a minor let down.

The room where he was waiting was large and beige-ish. Bright fluorescent lights washed everything out, from the brown haired individual filing papers to the plastic chairs in the waiting room and lastly to the other spirits bitching and moaning. Hibari had separated himself from them the moment he had entered the room, not that he had anywhere else to go. Outside was a vast emptiness and any attempts to venture into the unknown were stopped by a small Chinese girl.

Hibari had tried such a venture but the small girl had grabbed his pants, smiled and babbled in a incoherent language. After several tries he had finally gave up and let himself be dragged inside. Maybe it was the fact that she reminded him of a small turtle that kept him calm for that little bit, small animals' cutesyness being his crack and all.

The lobby was fairly dull, just a few paintings of fruit and a large desk. A receptionist had coolly motioned him towards the elevator then went back to eating her take-out.

A soft _voosh_ was made by the elevator doors.

The elevator girl smiled.

"Did you find everything alright?"

Hibari had neglected to answer.

* * *

The pathetic bitchy souls were getting louder. Somewhere in Hibari's brain a blood vessel imploded, and soon the loudest one was no longer standing. Most of the others shut up after that.

"Hibari-san?"

A petite woman who could have passed for the lobby's receptionist smiled and quickly walked down the hall, assuming the black haired boy would follow. He did, it seemed like the only way to get some answers as to why in god's name he was here. They passed a few doors, some were open and one particular case a red haired man could be seen smoking with a small cat. All the others were closed and gave off a deep sense of foreboding. After a few more doors the woman stopped turned on her heels and walked back to the waiting room.

"Just go on in. He'll be right with you."

Who 'he' was, was left open to discussion.

* * *

Inside it was eerily familiar to the reception room in his middle school. Large windows, a black and gray color scheme and the large desk with a high backed chair. The chair was turned around and its occupant was hidden but Hibari could hear the low murmur of a private telephone conversation.

Click. With the phone call finished, the chair spun quickly around, almost fast enough to think the occupier would go flying when it suddenly stopped.

A brown-no golden-haired man, probably mid twenties, sat in it. He smiled kindly and reached for some files, which seemed to appear almost magically on his desk. The orange orbs glanced over the paperwork before settling on Hibari.

"Take a seat."

Hibari decided he liked being taller than this man and stayed standing.

The man shrugged and rested his elbows on the desk.

"Alrighty, I'll start. I go by many names but let's go with Giotto. Your name is Hibari Kyoya."

Even though he seemed to state the fact he paused almost like he was allowing Hibari to debate it.

"You're seventeen years old and are a resident of Namimori. Your parents are somewhere in Antarctica studying fish and you are currently living in the Sawada apartment complex."

Another pause. This pause, however, seemed to be more thoughtful. Giotto glanced down at the papers and smiled lazily.

Hibari's impatient nature was starting to get the better of him, as visions of a bloody Giotto flitted through his mind.

"Sorry, lived. You're dead."

Giotto didn't even have time to blink, he was already knocked to the floor. Hibari was the obvious assailant, not even choosing to hide his tonfas anymore.

"Ow..."

Kick. Hibari's foot sent him flying across the room. Hibari didn't seem all that bothered as he calmly strode over picked up the man and with a tonfa pressed threateningly against his throat and growled,

"Herbivore, I don't die."

"Sorry but you did. Didn't your parents ever tell you to look both ways before cr-"

A lovely crunching noise was made.

* * *

Maybe it was the briefing going longer than the allotted time or the sickening noise of bones breaking that sent Death's assistant into his office. Basil had seen many things in his life, or afterlife depends on how technical you want to get, but he had never expected to see his boss lying on a heap in the middle of the floor with a spirit missing.

"Holy lord."

"Basil, wonderful, could I get some help?"

"Of course. What happened whilst I was away?" Basil grabbed his boss, then promptly dropped him when he winced. Giotto glared at the apologetic Basil.

"One spunky kid."

"Where is he?" Basil looked fairly protective at that point, Giotto waved it off with a broken hand.

"Home, I sent him back after a bit of convincing."

Basil stared blankly at his crumpled boss whose state gave away who was convincing whom.

"You what?"

"Accent is slipping darling."

The man gave a lopsided grin as his assistant helped him into a chair. Giotto hadn't really sent Hibari back to the human world, just on the path towads it. He secretly hoped the kid would survive, how bad would it look if he died? Basil muttered something about paperwork and Giotto winced. It wasn't his injuries, just the fact that he now had to do extra work because of the kid.

Wait. He was injured, and that meant he couldn't do his job. He couldn't send spirits onwards or fight those bloody bastards downstairs when they went to the human world because he opened the path for that kid. Said kid got out of death by injuring him _and_ had good fighting power _**and**_ was heading towards the human world, where he had a job to do. Which he now could not because of his injuries caused by that kid. The little circular argument chased its tail in Giotto's mind and finally his lopsided grin grew to cover his face.

'Basil, fetch my coat. We're going on vacation."

"What on earth doth thou mean?"

* * *

Sawada Tsunayoshi was at the moment a nervous wreck.

He had never really planned on running his family's apartment complex but after graduating college with nothing in particular to do, he just happened to get roped into it.

He hated being a landlord.

The occupants were a bunch of psychos, his boyfriend would always give him that heart-wrenching smile before telling him he didn't have the rent money, which would then come out of Tsuna's pocket and then there was this. He apparently had become that sociopathic kid's guardian while his parents were away and that meant having to go down to the morgue. Not that he was annoyed by the fact that one of his tenants was dead, it was quite shocking actually, he just didn't like dead people. Or people that looked after dead people.

"Recognize him?"

"Yes."

Tsuna glanced around the shiny, chrome room. Everything was clean, not a single speck of dirt and the smell of formeldahyde was suffocating.

It was sickening. He had to locate the nearest garbage can just in case he decided to puke.

He had seen the boy's room before coming down here. Tsuna was pretty sure Hibari wouldn't want to be kept in a spotless container.

"Family?"

"His parents are in Antarctica."

The green haired man looked at him.

"Okay." His tone expressed a mild disbelief.

Tsuna glanced down at the body to avoid the questioning look. A sheet covered Hibari's lower half but aside from some cuts and bruises he looked like he was sleeping. The flaming purplish-red mark on his forehead was the only indication that he wouldn't be getting up from this nap.

"So how did it..." Tsuna couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. A million gruesome things could have caused this. Most of them involved gangs with baseball bats and lead pipes. All them shouldn't have happened to some one so young.

"Well I haven't done an autopsy yet but the overall cause was a car accident."

Tsuna stared incredulously at him.

"Hibari can't drive."

Green haired man, whose badge said Verde, rolled his eyes.

"He was crossing the street. Both parties didn't see each other. The bus that hit him was from the local daycare center. The police must have had fun with that."

Tsuna was slightly disturbed by Verde's grin but he couldn't help a small twist of ironic humor from growing in his mind. The most fearsome highschooler was done in by preschoolers.

Fate was one cruel bitch.

* * *

Like? Don't like? My interpretation of Giotto a little too ooc? (I like to think of him as Tsuna, Dino and Reborn all combined) Major failure at Hibari FSU-ing? Tsuna not really caring?

Oh I do realize that getting hit by bus would leave you looking pretty nasty but c'mon, do we want Hibari coming back looking like a zombie?

If you guys like it, I'll continue it. Also, do you have a pairing suggestion? I only have a few solid (crack)pairings on which I'm basing this off of and well the more the merrier.

Toodles- Karrot

*The review button waves hello. You don't want to be rude, do you? Click to wave back!*


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